As a new manager, I remember complaining to my boss about one of my sales reps, who would call me almost every night between 8:00-9:00. “You’ve trained him,” she told me. “He knows you will answer the phone, so he calls. If he doesn’t think you will be available to talk, he won’t call.” “But what if it’s important?” I asked. “If it’s something pressing, he will leave a message, and you can call him back.”
I will admit that I did not heed her advice. I was telling myself that I needed to give my people everything that they wanted and needed. If I didn’t, I was failing as a leader. In truth, by failing to set boundaries, I was not taking care of myself.
I was listening to what Positive Intelligence calls my pleaser saboteur, a pattern that played out repeatedly and that I still need to work on to this day. While it is uncomfortable, I try to set and maintain boundaries in my career and life. Respecting my limits keeps me healthier, happier, and more productive.
Some of the lessons that I have learned about setting boundaries:
Boundaries are critical, and we should not feel guilty in establishing them. To perform at our best and take good care of others, we need to first care for ourselves. Boundaries help ensure that we don’t allow ourselves to get tapped out.
Boundaries help us to make sure that the critical work gets done. I have learned to say no, and I try not to worry about what people think (because they usually think nothing of it). I put time limits on tasks that are urgent and not important (hello, email).
I set the boundary around me, not around other people. Going back to the sales rep story, I was relied on him to create the boundary rather than drawing a line in the sand myself. I expected him to know that I did not want to talk in the evening and then became irritated with him for calling me. If I had instead set the boundary around myself, I could choose whether to answer the phone or not.
Open time does not mean available time. When my coaching practice started growing, I would book multiple sessions back-to-back without worrying about my limits. However, after overscheduling myself a few times and feeling tired in some sessions, I recognized that too many sessions in a day hindered my effectiveness as a coach.
The best-case scenario is when we agree to the boundaries. When I first met my husband, he spent a great deal of time with his next-door neighbors. In their friendship, they used their garage doors as a signal/boundary. If the garage door was up, it meant “feel free to come over for a beer.” Garage door down signaled “not now.” Because they had this system in place, it took “is it a good time?” off the table.
Setting boundaries requires intention. I try, but like many, I often struggle. I’ll keep working on it, because understanding my limits and respecting them helps me be at my best for myself and those around me.